Skills & tools

Self-care tools

How to use it

Your opinion matters
Your opinion matters
Web Wisdom

Self- Management:

Being able to problem-solve, make action plans and make difficult decisions are key self- management skills.

It means directing you to explore relevant information and skills that will equip you better to take on the following tasks:

  • Take care of your physical, mental and emotional health.
  • To help manage your unique situation or life challenge
  • Carry out normal “life “ activities*
  • Manage your emotions

https://bigjakeconnects.org/topic/home-improvement

Your Toolbox

Relaxation and Breathing

staying true to your core values

time -outs

talking self down

create a good story

listen

4 degrees and hold

networking and support

clean and sober

Author's Opinion

Book: Owning our struggles Minaa B. “ Self-care is the bridge to community-care, and community-care is the bridge to community healing.”

Author's Opinion 3

Handouts: Home Improvement: Men in Relationship Jan 2024 Adapted from Cooper-Morrissey

The toolbox

Making a commitment to treating our partner with respect regardless of how we are feeling, means doing a lot of work on ourselves. Here are some tools that others have found helpful:

Relaxation and Breathing

Allows us to calm ourselves and let go of tension building up within us. If we practice regularly it can become an effective tool to prevent behavior we do not plan to happen.

We can learn to relax by letting tension flow out of our body as exhale.

Staying true to your core values

We did a list of ‘healthy ingredients mix’ for good relationships. From those, we choose 2 or 3 and commit to live them out in our relationship, come what may.

These values are what we choose for ourselves. No one else should impose them on us.

Time -outs

This is a simple idea, but not always easy to do. When we feel ourselves getting angry, instead we get - out of there!

We set this up by first discussing it respectfully with our partners when things are good between us, so that she understands why, and what we will do.

Recognize the symptoms of mounting anger, which may be different for each person.

Examples are; -face becomes flushed -muscles become tense -jaw clenches -voice raises, etc

What to do? -leave the situation immediately, saying only “I need that time out (as we discussed) -Stay away until we calm down - which may take at least an hour or more. Do not stay away to ‘punish’ her…. -Dont go over the argument(s) in your mind. We need distraction (s) We need to calm down, not make a case against her. Decide in advance a few good distractions (e.g going to the workshop / garage) so that we can pick up somewhere else in a moment.

  • Do not drink or do drugs during this time, and probably don't drive. -Return only when / if calm. If we can both talk calmly, we go ahead. If not, say something like, “We need to discuss this later’. WE SAY NOTHING THAT TRIES TO ‘FINISH’ THE ARGUMENT OR PROVE OURSELVES RIGHT!

Talking self down

-When we think about it, 90% of the time that we get angry is because of what we say to ourselves about the situation. If not checked, we get angrier until we lash out in some way - that is , we enter into the reed zone of behaviors that hurt relationships. It’s called “talking ourselves up”

Examples are: -blaming -self-justification -name-calling, threatening etc

Instead we need to “talk ourselves down”, like saying to ourselves: -”this really isn't worth getting angry about” -I’m a smart person in control of myself, and I can figure out how to handle this situation (not her!) in a healthy way” -”I don't always have to win”

Listen

In situations of aroused anger, we’re so fixated on how to defend our viewpoints that we do not really listen to what she is saying, even less to her feelings about it. The MOM/WOW principle may prove helpful… It's about one’s literal viewpoint to say what the letters spell…

If we listen deeply to understand, we may be surprises by what our partner is really saying/ feeling - and why. We can try to feed back to her what we think she is saying (without blame, argument, guilt-tripping) and be genuinely curious about what that is. This does not mean we agree. It shows however we have listened.

Create a good story

We have a tendency to assume we know what is behind another's behavior. In an argument, we may think the worst, then believe our assumptions.

Maybe there is something back of her words we dont know about, like a bad day with the boss, bad news about her sister, upset over how she was treated by her daughter, etc. She may also simply feel misunderstood…

Every harmful action has a reason behind it. Knowing this never excuses, but it helps in a relationship. The urge to “punish” a partner is never good for a relationship if acted on.

4 degrees and hold

The captain of a ship tells his helmsman to alter course by 4 degrees to the north. What would be noticed in 3h? 3 days?

That slight alteration makes a BIG difference over time. And lets say another alteration in course happened a few hours later. What course then after another 3h? Etc?

The ship of relationships is not unlike that illustration. Changing direction and holding - ever so slightly over time can make a significant difference.

Networking and support

On the one hand, in western cultures, men in most cultures are not encouraged to share their feelings. Quite the opposite often. “Stiff upper lip” “Be a man” “don't be a wimp” and variations are repeatedly encouraged as we men are socialized.

If we therefore as male adults keep our emotions to ourselves , we may only share our “emotions” with our partners, primarily when they are hurtful! In fact, it is likely a setup for expressing anger, hurt feelings, trying to control our partner, etc.

“Networking” for men means meeting with other men to actually discuss feelings , frustrations , pain, etc. rather than superficial things . We men do have emotions. Lots. Talking about them with “safe” other men can be like a siphon draining our negative emotions.

Clean and sober

Drugs and alcohol often get mixed in with showing anger and other harmful emotions in our relationships.

If these are not right now under control in our lives, they will take increasing control of our lives; they will increasingly harm our relationships; they are a dead end.

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Updated: November 2023

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