Feelings & emotions 2

Jealousy

Being judgemental?

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Web Wisdom

**Jealousy in a relationship could result from an uneasy or judgemental feeling about someone or something. **

It can be based only on thoughts and not necessarily real facts.

Being jealous means feeling envious or resentful towards someone due to their possessions, achievements, or qualities.

Being judgmental means forming negative opinions about others without knowing the full story.

Both can be harmful and prevent us from appreciating others and ourselves.

https://bigjakeconnects.org/topic/home-improvement

Your Toolbox

Handouts: Home Improvement: Men in Relationship Jan 2024 Jane katz, J&Z Consulting Ltd

Some ways of dealing with jealousy:

-Use positive self-talk and clear thinking

-Recognize irrational beliefs and stop looking for ‘clues’

-Talk about it only if we do not expect our partner to respond by changing their own behavior.

-Recognize that our attempts to control our partner will alway make him/ her want to get away emotionally and physically.

-Recognize that without trust there is no relationship

-Work on building an intrapersonal foundation of safety, trust, skills and self- worth

-Work on becoming wise

-Recognize that it is our problem, not someone else’s, to take responsibility for making change.

Some ways to deal with your partner’s jealousy:

-Recognize that you can do nothing to change those beliefs

-Assertively point out their jealous behavior is having a negative impact on the relationship.

-Be empathetic and caring, but do not be controlled by the other person's emotions.

-Do not support your partner's jealousy by isolating yourself from others.

-Set limits early

-Do not give up freedoms that you know others in healthy relationships have just because your partner is jealous.

-Do not try to convince your partner that they are wrong. They need to figure that out for themselves

-Recognize that without trust there is no relationship.

Podcast & Youtube Links

Podcast: Life story of John McAvoy

www.drchatterjee.com/91

Conversation with Peter Crone

www.drchatterjee.com/petercrone

Author's Opinion 1

Book: Happy Life Happy Mind - Dr Rangan Chatterjee 2022

Humans can be incredibly judgemental about others. In most cases the root cause is a feeling of inadequacy and not feeling good enough in ourselves.

On other occasions it comes from jealousy, which itself comes from a fear of not being truly lovable for who we are. We make ourselves feel better by looking down on others.

Holding onto judgment of others keeps that version of them alive in your mind and this will slowly burn away your inner happiness like acid.

-Is this way I feel about that other person really true?

-Why is this situation really bothering me?

-How would I feel if I chose a different perspective?

-What is stopping me from making them a hero (not an enemy) and choosing a story that empowers me rather than enslaves me?

Author's Opinion 2

Handouts: Home Improvement: Men in Relationship Jan 2024 Jane katz, J&Z Consulting Ltd

Jealousy

-Jealousy is an insecure and angry feeling caused by fear that someone you care about, likes or is liked by someone else.

-It is most often caused when a person feels inadequate and insecure and the person is looking to someone else to feel better about themselves

-it is not a measure of love, but rather an unfounded fear that someone we care about will leave us for someone else.

It then leads to jealous behavior such as accusing your partner, controlling their social life and demanding explanations of what they are doing and where they are going.

This causes the partner to withdraw. The partner believes they aren’t trusted in the relationship.

The more the partner withdraws,the more jealous the person gets.

Jealous people always find ‘evidence’ to prove what they believe is true.

This cycle of jealousy continues and gets bigger and bigger because it is not the result of something that happened, but rather the result of what is going on inside the jealous person's mind.

-The jealous person chooses not to control their thoughts.

-Finally the partner will probably leave the relationship.

-Trust builds up a relationship; jealousy tears it down.

Author's Opinion 3

Handouts: Home Improvement: Men in Relationship Jan 2024 Jane katz, J&Z Consulting Ltd

Stopping Jealousy:

-First stop the behavior. Stop acting in jealous ways and the cycle will stop and the partner will likely stop withdrawing.

-More important is to change the thinking. Try trusting your partner. No guarantees the partner wont’s “fall out of love” but it is more likely that they won’t, if they feel they are trusted in the relationship.

Jealousy vs betrayal:

-They are very different.

-Jealousy usually has no real evidence to base behavior on, just feelings of insecurity and fear.

-Betrayal is breaking of trust and needs to be addressed.

-If betrayal happens, it is very hurtful and feelings/ actions need to be dealt with. First need to ensure the understanding of the betrayal is correct, then the “fall out” needs to be discussed / dealt with. There may be loss of relationship and grief will be experienced.

Don't be controlled by jealousy - your own or someone else’s

We can never guarantee that someone will be faithful to us, but we can act in ways that make it more likely.

It is not possible to yell at or threaten someone into loving us.

**If someone is unfaithful, it is not jealousy we are feeling; it is betrayal and grief. **

Three beliefs that lead to jealousy:

-I believe I should be the most important person in someone’s life, or at least that there is no one more important.

-I believe that someone else is in fact more important than me

-I am not important at all and this person will abandon me

Jealousy is an anxiety based emotion. It results when we have a fear of losing someone.

This fear leads people to misinterpret innocent behavior, which will increase the feelings of insecurity and anxiety.

Jealousy in relationships feeds and nurtures itself. Individuals who are jealous will look and find clues that prove their beliefs.

Jealousy is imagining your partner is doing or will do something to destroy the relationship. Ironically, jealousy itself is what is most likely to destroy the relationship. Without trust there is no relationship.

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Updated: November 2023

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