Taking Action
Motivation
Setting goals
Goals are specific objectives that identify what you want to achieve and measure your results.
Goals provide direction and improve your motivation for self-improvement.
Goals are crucial elements in any good plan.
Monitoring how you are doing - if you are on schedule for example - will help you stay focused.
Making clear, realistic goals will help you chart your own course.
*an adaptation of the “Aftermath of a Fight" process from The Gottman Institute *
*Introduction: * This guidebook is for “processing” past fights, regrettable incidents, or past emotional injuries. “Processing” means that you can talk about the incident without getting back into it again. It needs to be a conversation – as if you were both sitting in the balcony of a theatre looking down on the stage where the action occurred. This requires calm and some emotional distance from the incident. *
Before You Begin: Keep in mind that the GOAL is greater understanding – addressing the process and how the issue was talked about, without getting back into the fight. So, wait until you are both calm.* We assume that each of your realities has validity. Perception is everything. Don’t focus on “the facts.” The belief here is that there is no absolute “reality” in a disagreement but rather there are two “subjective realities”. This guidebook is designed to help you get at these two realities and to ease similar situations in the future.
Pay attention to the common barriers to communication and their antidotes as you move through the process. The “Four Horsemen” reference can help:
Criticism Antidote Use Softened Start-Up
Defensiveness Antidote Take Responsibility
Contempt Antidote Build Culture of Appreciation
Stonewalling Antidote Do Psychological Self-Soothin
Handouts: Home Improvement: Men in Relationship Jan 2024
How to improve Emotional intelligence
-Practice empathy and compassion -attempt to put yourself in the situation of the other person -no judgment -open to be more accepting of the other person's perspective.
- Ask yourself:* What would I be like if I was in this situation?
-Try not to seek attention to yourself and your accomplishments -practice giving the other person the focus -practice humility: it's not about me
Ask yourself: In what way can I show more humility? How could this be less about me?
-Do a self-evaluation; -learn to manage anger -Practice responding instead of reacting -Recognize and control emotions -Practice not getting upset when things don't go my way
Ask yourself: What do I need to do instead of blaming the other? What do I need to do to prevent responding in anger?
-Take responsibility for the hurts I may have caused; -Learn to be truly sorry for behaviors that are hurtful
Ask yourself: What can I do when I know I’ve hurt my partner? What would be a helpful way to make amends?
-Check how your actions/ decisions will impact others before you do them; -Think about how the person will feel if I do/ say something hurtful -Recognize I don't have to have power over the other; I don't have to win
Ask yourself: How will my behavior impact my partner? What can I do to stop hurtful behavior? How can I be more compassionate and caring?
What would it be like to be in a relationship with me?
The science of getting motivated
How to love your work
*Book: Why has nobody told me this before? By Dr Julie Smith 2022 - On Motivation *
6. Understanding motivation - Motivation Topic
Summary:
Motivation is not something you are born with.
The feeling that you are energized and want to do something cannot always be relied upon to be there.
Mastering motivation is building the capacity to do what matters most to you, even when a part of you does not feel like it.
Procrastination is often avoidance of stress or discomfort.
Anhedonia is when we no longer get a sense of pleasure from activities that we used to enjoy.
This is often associated with low mood and depression.
If something matters to you and could benefit your health, don't wait until you dont feel like it - do it anyway.
7. How to nurture that motivation feeling Go To: Author Opinion - Shame Topic
Extract from book: How to live when you could be dead by Deborah James 2022
Quote: Andrew Carnegie
If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy and inspires your hopes
-Hungry for experience and living life to the full. -Having structure in life. -Find a fresh sense of purpose and new goals. -Finding the thing in my life that would motivate me alongside what I get from my family. -It became apparent that it was sharing my story. -Having purpose will help you choose your goals, which in turn can function to reinforce the things that are most important to you and help define who you are, adding meaning to your life. -This is why it is important to set goals that mean something to you, as well as ones that you actually have a chance of achieving. -My goals provide me with a roadmap through the hard times, helping me to move forward, and they play a significant role in defining my values and beliefs and investing my life with meaning. -Goals also make you accountable, mostly to yourself. -Goal setting is pointless if the goals we’ve picked dont drive us in a direction we dont wish to travel or if they don't drive us at all.
Goals:
-How important is this goal to you? -How confident are you about accomplishing the goal? -How consistent is this goal with your values and beliefs? -What are the micro-goals and what are the big goals that they are taking you towards? -Reinforce your intention with actions that will help make things happen.
SMART criteria:
Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timely
Goals should feel like something positive that you are excited to work towards.
Get urgent and get moving.
-How are you going to get there? -What steps will you take along the way? -How are you going to make time to dedicate to them?
Goals should:
Enlighten: reveal your strengths and weaknesses, show you what you want to achieve and help you prioritize Encourage: provide you with motivation, boost your confidence and give you courage to execute your plans. Enable: help you to build skills, enhance your efficiency and assist you in implementing your plans.
Handouts: Home Improvement: Men in Relationship Jan 2024
Emotional Intelligence Growth: Moving forward:
-Apathy: Indifference, lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern for another. State of not caring. Lack of feeling or emotion. -Sympathy: Feelings of pity or sorrow for how someone els’s misfortune. Recognize there is pain. -Empathy: Feel what a person is feeling, attempt to understand how a person is feeling. Putting yourself in their shoes and thinking about what it must be like for them. -Compassion: Attempt to relieve the suffering of another. There is a desire to help. One does what they can to alleviate the pain. Helps a person in pain
If one has only empathy they can feel paralyzed and not do anything about it, or not know how to do anything about it. But if empathy leads to compassion where one takes the steps to alleviate the pain it is much more positive for the other person and one feels better about themselves.
Attributes to healthy compassion:
-Able to see the world as others see it : perspective taking: we see things differently through different lenses. Need to acknowledge our own lens and attempt to see a situation how someone is experiencing it through their lens.
-Non-judgemental: need to overcome the habit of judging others;
-Women often feel judged by their looks or motherhood issues
-Men size up each other's level of financial success, intellect and physical strength often as a measure of power.
-Understanding another’s feeling, how will we be able to empathize with another’s feelings. Need to convey to the other that we understand their perspective and feelings.
-Communicate your understanding of that person's feelings - not just the words., but fully engaged and wanting to understand. May not always get it right, so I need to be fully listening and engaged. Then I need to take action (Compassion) to alleviate the pain and suffering of the other.
Handouts: Home Improvement: Men in Relationship Jan 2024
Emotional Inteligence (EI) -Self -awareness -Self-regulaion -Motivation -Empathy -Social skills
Emotional Intelligence is an awareness of your actions and feelings - and how they affect those around you. It also means that you value others, listen to their want and needs, and are able to empathize or identify with them on many different levels.
Although “regular” intelligence is important to succeed in life, EI is key to relating well to others and achieving your goals.
Book: Emotional Intelligence Daniel Goleman 1995
Five elements that define emotional Intelligence:
-Self-awareness
People with high EI are usually very self-aware. They understand their emotions and because of this , they dont let their feelings rule them. They’re confident - because they trust their intuition and don't let their emotions get out of control.
They’re also willing to take an honest look at themselves. They know their strengths and weaknesses, and they work on those areas so they can perform better.
-Self regulation
This is the ability to control emotions and impulses. People who self regulate typically don't allow themselves to become too angry or jealous, and they don't make impulsive , careless, decisions. They think before they act. Characteristics of self- regulation are thoughtfulness, comfort with change, integrity and the ability to say No!
-Motivation
People with a high degree of EI are usually motivated. They are willing to defer immediate results for long term success. They are highly productive, love a challenge, and are very effective at what they do. They are motivated to achieve their goals and to manage their behavior.
-Empathy
Empathy is the ability to identify with and understand the wants, needs and viewpoints of those around you. People with empathy are good at recognizing the feelings of other people, even when those feelings may not be obvious. As a result , empathetic people are usually excellent at managing relationships, listening, and relating to others. They avoid stereotyping and judging too quickly. And they live their lives in a very open, and honest way.
-Social skills
It's usually easy to talk to and like people with good social skills, when you have high EI awareness. Those with strong social skills are typically team players. Rather than focus on their own success first , they help others develop and shine. They can manage disputes, are excellent communicators, and are masters at building and maintaining relationships.
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Updated: November 2023
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