Conflict
Conflict management
After the fight..
Having a verbal conflict in a relationship often turns into heated discussions or intense arguments.
Reflecting afterward when the heat has subsided, means taking time to think about what was said and felt during the fight.
Making some written notes that give a balanced fair reflection of your differences and your agreements could be usefull to help discussions when your emotions are more under contol.
This reflection helps each person understand the other's perspectives a bit better, by learn from the experience, and finding ways to communicate more effectively in the future.
*an adaptation of the “Aftermath of a Fight" process from The Gottman Institute *
*Introduction: * This guidebook is for “processing” past fights, regrettable incidents, or past emotional injuries. “Processing” means that you can talk about the incident without getting back into it again. It needs to be a conversation – as if you were both sitting in the balcony of a theatre looking down on the stage where the action occurred. This requires calm and some emotional distance from the incident. *
Before You Begin: Keep in mind that the GOAL is greater understanding – addressing the process and how the issue was talked about, without getting back into the fight. So, wait until you are both calm.* We assume that each of your realities has validity. Perception is everything. Don’t focus on “the facts.” The belief here is that there is no absolute “reality” in a disagreement but rather there are two “subjective realities”. This guidebook is designed to help you get at these two realities and to ease similar situations in the future.
Pay attention to the common barriers to communication and their antidotes as you move through the process. The “Four Horsemen” reference can help:
• Criticism Antidote Use Softened Start-Up
• Defensiveness Antidote Take Responsibility
• Contempt Antidote Build Culture of Appreciation
• Stonewalling Antidote Do Psychological Self-Soothin
Handouts: Home Improvement: Men in Relationship Jan 2024
Fair fighting rules:
Before you begin, ask yourself why you are feeling upset
Discuss one topic at a time
No degrading language
Express your feelings with words
Take turns to speak
No stonewalling
No yelling
Take time -out if things get too heated
Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding
The gift of conflict
How to argue with your partner
Extract from: Owning our Struggles by Minaa B. 2023
Emotional tactics that can cause relational stress:
Guilt- tripping: Making statements that are accusatory, judgemental or shaming
Gaslighting: False narratives used to induce confusion and alter a person's reality about a situation
The silent treatment: Refusing to communicate with a person or acknowledge their presence, even when you live with them.
Emotional blackmail: Using a person's emotions to weaponize a situation or pressuring you to be compliant when you resist their demands.
Disguised hostility: Hatred and aggressiveness being expressed under the guise of friendliness or humor
Humiliation: Purposefully talking down to, making insensitive jokes, or speaking poorly about someone to their face or publicly to others.
Handouts: Home Improvement: Men in Relationship Jan 2024 Adapted from J.Katz MA. RCC
Guidelines for working through conflict;
There is conflict in all relationships.
Conflict doesn’t destroy relationships.
The way people behave during a conflict does. Be fair, wise, and respectful.
Remember that you are in a relationship with someone you care about and that you hope the relationship will still be intact after the conflict.
We often forget what we argue about … but we don't forget the hurtful things that get said and done in the argument.
Here are some guidelines that will help prevent damage:
Argue by mutual consent:
A fair fight demands two ready participants.
This does not mean someone can use these things indefinitely to avoid talking through the conflict, but it is important to negotiate a good time to talk when both are feeling strong enough to enter vin this.
If it does not get talked about and resolved in a way where both people feel heard and respected, it will come up again and again.
Enter with a clear and open mind
Arguing when we are extremely angry or when we are under the influence of mind altering substances will not lead to positive outcomes.
Stick to the present
Deal with what is happening now. Don't dredge up past issues.
No one can change the past. Use empathy, be respectful and then come back to the present.
Stick to the subject
Deal with one thing at a time. Some people save everything and then dump it on the other person all at once.
Maintain emotional safety and trust.
It is never okay to use personal information they have shared as a weapon against them.
Dont quit: work it out!
Conflict that isn't resolved will just come up over and over again.
Take a time-out if necessary, but try to keep looking for solutions.
Sometimes we need to ask for help if the conflict can’t be worked out.
Don't try to win - ever!
If one person wins, the other loses. Losing can create resentment.
Avoid power phrases:
Some comments are simply intended to one up;
You always; you never; how many times have I told you; I told you so; It’s your fault
Respect crying;
Crying is a normal physical response to emotional arousal. Some people cry easily and some do not.
Keep caring:
What is most important in an argument, is not to act in a way that pushes the other person away.
At the end of the argument it is important that the relationship is still intact.
Don't do anything in the argument that would be difficult to forget later.
Recognize both people
When we engage in an argument fairly, both people have an equal chance to be heard.
Hounor both voices. Hear both individuals' hopes, wants, fears, needs and desires.
Be curious with each other. Use empathy.
Maintain physical safety;
Violence and threats of violence break all the rules of fair and wise fighting.
The relationship might be lost, someone might be seriously injured, someone might go to jail. We could lose our children, our job, our possessions, our self respect. It is not wise behavior.
Disclaimer:
This website is for information only. It represents the unproven opinions / thoughts of various authors or collaborating partners.
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A health-care professional should be consulted regarding your specific medical condition.
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Updated: November 2023
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