Development

Guilt vs Shame

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Shame can be rooted in our self identity, particularly if we were judged or abused as children.

Shame often focuses on the negative emotion or experiences of life.

Some call it the black hole of shame.

Removing and letting go of this weight of shame is a huge step to becoming who we were meant to be.

When we feel shame, it can resemble carrying a heavy burden of guilt, worthlessness or failure.

Shame has a way of altering how we interact with this world.

It can come from attachment wounds when we were young.

The pain can be linked to abandonment, injustice, betrayal, rejection, humiliation, rejection or prolonged isolation.

Guilt makes us ashamed for something we have done, where shame can make us feel bad for something we think that we are or have become.

It is important to share these feelings with someone we trust and realize that everyone has a story and a past.

The things we thought were true might not be true at all!

The past did shape us and yes, we may have made mistakes.

Now it's possible that we can move towards self-acceptance, forgiveness and healing.

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Your Toolbox 2

Handouts: Home Improvement: Men in Relationship Jan 2024

Guilt vs Shame

Guilt: feeling that lets us know when we have made a mistake or violated our own values.

Feeling guilty can be a very healthy way of motivating one to change.

Guilt = I MADE a mistake

Shame: is the belief (and all the horrible feelings that come with it) that we are fundamentally defective.

Shame is about oppression - someone having power over another.

Shame = I AM a mistake

Guilt:

Healthy

Moral Compass

Moves one forward

I failed to do something

I made a mistake sometimes

I am redeemable

Forgiveness and amends making helps

I can learn, grow, change and recover

Shame:

Unhealthy

Disoriented

Keeps one stuck

I am a failure

Everything I do is wrong; I am bad

I am irredeemable

This can never be repaired

I have to keep everything about me a secret

Podcast & Youtube Links

Listening to shame https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

How self forgiveness saved my life

Changing perspective from shame to self worth

Author's Opinion 1

Book: Why has nobody told me this before? By Dr Julie Smith 2022 On Stress

31 Coping when it counts - Shame Topic

Summary:

How we think about stress effects how we perform under pressure

Seeing stress as an asset that will help you, enables you to spend less energy trying to squash the feelings and instead focus on the demands you face.

Keep performance affirmations or mantras focused on what to do, rather than what not to do.

Adjust your focus to adjust your stress levels.

Work on your relationship to failure and building shame resilience to help you deal with stress in high - pressure situations.

32. The problem with “I just want to be happy” Go To: Authors Opinion - Happiness Topic

Author's Opinion 2

*Book: Why has nobody told me this before? By Dr Julie Smith 2022 On Motivation *

7. How to nurture that motivation feeling - Shame Topic

Summary:

While we cannot control our feeling of motivation, these are things we can do to increase the chances of feeling it more often.

Physical movement cultivates feelings of motivation. Small amounts ae better than nothing and can help build momentum.

Staying connected with your goals help to keep triggering moments of increased motivation.

Small and consistent beats one-off grand gestures.

Learning to rest and replenish between stressful situations helps maximize willpower.

Shame is not as helpful for motivation as you might think.

Changing your relationship with failure will help your motivation.

8. How do you make yourself do something when you dont feel like it? Go To: Authors Opinion - Habit Topic

Author's Opinion 3

Handouts: Home Improvement: Men in Relationship Jan 2024

Forgiving the self

In order to heal we need to recognize what is going on and take off the shame. It does not belong; it's like a heavy blanket that needs to be rolled back in order to see what is going on underneath.

Think back to whose voice you hear often - may not be your own. Let your mind drift back and often you can think of someone who demeaned / hurt you.

May have been called stupid physically/ sexually hurt, never measured up or were good enough.

Sources of shame are many - upbringing in childhood, generational, school system, church, government (residential schools), sometimes the roles we were put in.

These cause one to grow up with shame and it can cause a child to become an adult who shames.

Need to be kind to yourself and recognize the shame in your life and realize “this is the first day of your ongoing life”.

There is room to create a new and better story.

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Updated: November 2023

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